So, today I am starting a bit of brief new direction in some of my blog entries. Our high school group is currently involved in a series called, “Love Connection” where we are looking at the amazing beauty of the romantic relationships God has created us to need and enjoy.
During each week’s message, students are encouraged to bring their cellphones and text me questions that they have about relationships, dating, love and the human need for companionship. And each week, on Monday, I will be posting their questions and answering them to the best of my ability.
Now, you may be asking yourself at this point, “Is Nick really an expert on relationships?” The answer to that question is probably, “No.” But, I have had many relationships. Some good. Some bad. And over time, I have learned that there are things in those relationship that I regret and cherish, that I would do again and that I would never do again, and that at times have harmed me or in some cases enhanced my capacity for real and greater love.
And while I am a product of these experiences, without a doubt my most beneficial experience has been my current one. I am currently in a life-long endeavor of a relationship that is, in my eyes, beautiful and good. It is a melding of two people that isn’t perfect, but does feel complete. It represents to me all that can be good in relationships; all that God has designed for relationships to be. It is my love-story that is unfolding in the pages of my daily life with an extraordinary woman.
But, probably the biggest motivation behind the presumption that I could even begin to answer another person’s most intimate wondering about love and relationship comes not from any romantic experience I have ever had. In fact, it isn’t any sort of knowledge that comes from me. It isn’t in knowing all about “love” itself, but in knowing the One who created us with the capacity to love. It comes from knowing the One that even defines himself with the idea of love: “God is love.” – 1 John 4:16
And so, carefully, humbly, and yes presumptiously, I attempt to answer these wonderful and profound questions of the deepest longing. They are high school students, but their questions are the questions of more than just individuals. They are the questions of a generation. They are the questions of humanity.
And so, God, can you meet us here… Can you help us to have better relationships. May the deep cries and questions of our hearts find ultimate rest not in any answer here, but with you.
Let’s begin . . . we have four questions this week. Each requires a long answer, so I’ll be answering two of them today and the other two tomorrow.
The First Night (2/08/09)
“If a couple loves each other so much, then why would someone like or
try to destroy the couple’s relationship?
I think this is a great question, because as we look around we see many relationships that are fractured, in part, because of intereference from other people. And it makes you wonder, why would anyone want to destroy something so beautiful?
I’m experiencing this in my own life right now. Tania and I have some close friends that are looking at separation and possible divorce. The big problem is that one of them has been having an affair with another person. And while much of the blame rests with the partner that choose to engage in this deception, it makes you wonder why another person on the outside of this marriage would want anything to do with breaking up a good family of a husband, wife and three little kids. Certainly it is complex, with no easy answers, but here are a least a few ideas.
I think some people who are not involved in meaningful relationships are jealous of those that are. And although that jealousy might be very malicious, it doesn’t have to be. I think that some people look at the relationship of others and think, “I want what they’ve got.” They may not want to hurt anybody. They may simply just want to experience the goodness of that relationship. And maybe part of the thought process is that if they can somehow hijack that relationship that they will get to experience the same things. Sadly, I think it doesn’t usually work out this way. Relationships that start with deception in their beginning have built that deception into their DNA and trust and genuine love will have large hurdles to overcome.
A second reason might be that this type of person has already experienced some sort of destruction in their own relationship at some time. Maybe someone interfered in a relationship that meant a great deal to them. And maybe not even consciously, they have become so jaded about relationships that they no longer think they are really destroying anything meaningful anyway. It is as if relationships are no longer sacred to them. They survived their heart-break. And they learned that relationships NEVER WORK. So they see the relationship that they are now interfering with as doomed to failure even if they had never gotten involved. This is the pessimism of love. It tears down not trying to hurt people, but out of the reaction of having already been hurt.
And also, sometimes, I think people just like hurting other people. I understand this one least. But, I think it is probably the more rare anyway. Most of the time, I think there are deep, underlying reasons that people act the way they do, even if they aren’t aware of them.
Do you believe that God created one person for everyone? Do you believe that God gives us an opportunity at some point in our lives for true love and true happiness? Do you believe that you can find your soul mate at 15 years old? Because I do.
Wow, so there are several questions here with a lot to them. I’m not sure I’ve got enough space on the internet to answer it all thoroughly, but they are GREAT QUESTIONS! Here is my basic answer, though…
In one of my favorite movies, “Wedding Crashers,” Owen Wilson’s character gives this definition of love; “Love is the soul’s recognition of it’s counter-part in another.” He is describing this idea of “soulmate”. And while I love that movie, I disagree with it’s definition of love.
Personally, I don’t think the idea of a “soul-mate” is a Biblical one. I don’t read anything in my Bible that expresses this idea of your soul having a counter-part out in the world somewhere waiting for you to find it. It is a very romantic and compelling idea, however, and Hollywood has used this idea to create some great movies over the years.
I think it works more like this: You are an unique creation of God, given personality traits and preferences and passions, etc. that are a special combination only you have. Given who you are, there are many people that you won’t ever really get-along-with and will have no romantic connection with. These people aren’t bad, they just don’t fit your specific combo set very well. However, there are probably quite a few people that you would find connection with in humanity. These people have combo sets that match with you close enough that you could find connection, romance and even completeness (your gifts and personality filling in the holes in their own and vice-a-versa).
However, you will be limited to all these potential choices by several things. 1) Time: you live in a certain time period in human history, so only those people that are alive now will qualify. Wheeewww…. no marrying dead people for you! 2) Proximity: meaning, there may be all sorts of people in this world that you could marry and live a very happy and fulfilled life with, but many of them you will never meet because you don’t live near them.
What this means is that of all the people that you could possibly be a good match with, there are only a certain amount that you will meet. And, somewhere in this group, you will potentially meet someone that you will have enough similarities, attractions, and even compliments to, that you will CHOOSE to love them.
Now, something should be said here about the nature of love. Love, according to the Bible, is not a magical feeling that overcomes us and makes us act funny. That is the job of chemicals firing in our brain. That is similar to what animals feel while “in heat.” Which is ok and certainly helps bring people together. But real “Love” according to God’s thinking seems to be a CHOICE.
In the book of Hosea, God tells his prophet, Hosea, to go and marry a prostitute. And so, strangely, he does. But, as you could imagine, the relationship doesn’t go so well. She is unfaithful; she cheats on him, and eventually leaves him. And so God then tells Hosea, “Go, show love to your wife again, though she is loved by another and is an adulteress.” And God’s reason for doing this? “Love her as the Lord loves his people.” – Hosea 3:1 (TNIV)
How does God love? He chooses to. How does God tell Hosea to love his wife? By choice. For God, love is not a feeling or emotion, but a conscious choice. This is the only type of love expressed in the Bible. There is no mention of “soul-mates” in the way that Hollywood chooses to explain the term. For Hollywood, love is not so much a choice but a magical recognition of a person you were destined to marry or spend your life with. For several reasons, I believe this is a myth that we have bought into that has actually hurt our relationships and we will be talking more about that next week.
There might be another sense of “soulmate” that the Bible does refer to though. The Bible does discuss a romantic spiritual connection between people. In 1 Corinthians 6, Paul gives his commentary on God’s design of marriage in Genesis. Genesis tells us that when man and woman come together sexually (which, by the way, signified marriage in Jewish culture. There is no “pre-marital sex” in the Bible. It isn’t even addressed. All sex is considered to be in marriage or the declaration of marriage) that they are “one flesh.” Paul says this means there is more than something physical going on in that act; that there is something spiritual going on here as well. That just as we are joined to Jesus in spirit, so we become joined to each other in this romantic expression. (1 Corinthians 6:15-20)
In this way, through marriage, you many have a “soulmate.” But this is a much different understanding than Hollywood. For Hollywood, you search for the soulmate (the one unique person alive that fits you perfectly) and then marry them. For God, no one person can fulfill you completely (only He can) and so you find someone you CHOOSE to love and in the consummation and relationship of marriage you become spiritually entwined.
With all this said, I suppose you could meet someone at age 15 that you CHOOSE to love for the duration of your life. It certainly happens. I have good friends that are married and love each other deeply and were high school sweethearts. However, I think it is rare. Most people haven’t experienced enough relationships by age 15 to decide what type of person to ultimately choose to “love”.
Hope this helps. 🙂
Your answer to Question #2 is spot on Nick. Good job!!!
On question number 1 I want to say thank u. I have wanted to understand why people even us young adults would try to hurt anyone. I’ve been having a feeling that my relationship might end by someone else. But what I figure out is that they’re not in control of it. We are who has the relationship.