Ok, this may be the most “scandalous” blog that I have written to date. Wait, a minute… probably not. The “Gay-Bath House” series was a bit scandalous too, huh? (Gay-Bath House article).
Oh well, apparently my lot in life is to get involved in the dirty, messy and controversial subjects. So, let’s jump right into the final question for this week, which almost gave me a coronary attack as I read it knowing I’d have to answer it! Thanks everybody… Let’s just get back to asking questions that are “safe,” huh? LOL.
Question #3:
What are your views on masturbation? Is it okay?
Wow, so we’re gonna go THERE now? Ok. I guess I should have known that we would eventually get here. This question doesn’t necessarily have to do with relationships, however it is an issue that could impact relationships on many different levels. So let’s go ahead and discuss it.
This is a very difficult question to answer. On the one hand, many people believe it is wrong. But, on the flip side, many Christians believe it is not. Either way I answer I do two things: 1) I make half of everybody angry. 2) I assume that I actually know the answer. (LOL)
So, let me give you my best effort at an answer. It may not be perfect, but for better or worse, it is what I believe by faith right now.
First, the Bible has nothing to say directly about this issue. The word “masturbation” is not in the Bible at all. It is a subject, like dating, that isn’t discussed. And without making too much of an “argument from silence” it does at least gives us a little bit of flexibility here.
However, there is one Bible text that has been used to condemn the behavior and it is worth mentioning here because its often use in this manner is not only unwarranted but flat-out coercive and wrong.
Genesis 38:8-10: “Then Judah said to Onan, “Sleep with your brother’s wife and fulfill your duty to her as a brother-in-law to raise up offspring for your brother. But Onan knew that the child would not be his; so whenever he slept with his brother’s wife, he spilled his semen on the ground to keep from providing offspring for his brother. What he did was wicked in the LORD’s sight; so he put him to death also.”
Wow! How’s that for a little provocative Bible reading? Just tell your parents: “Hey, you wanted me to read the Bible.”
Now, when I was a teenager (like 100 years ago), this verse was quoted to me as God’s ultimate word against masturbation. The line went like this, “See, Onan wasted his seed (sperm) and God’s punishment for him was DEATH!!”
Nothing like a little fear that God will strike you dead to keep you from masturbating!
However, this story has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH MASTURBATION. It is a story about a strange, but merciful Jewish law that took care of widows and passed on family inheritance.
In the Jewish culture, if the husband of a woman died, his brother was required to marry her and save her from widowhood. And if she did not have a son to pass the deceased husband’s land and assets to, then the brother was required to father a son with her. This son would not be considered the brother’s son, but the deceased husband’s son and thus he would inherit the land. It was God’s way of providing for families in crisis and ensuring rightful land inheritance.
In this text, then, God is not addressing masturbation at all. He is punishing Onan for purposefully being disobedient and not taking care of his brother’s family.
So, if the bible doesn’t directly address this question, than what are we to make of it? Is it okay? Is it a sin?
Well . . . to say that it is a sin goes beyond what we have God directly saying to us in the Bible. Because of this, theoretically, I believe that the act itself is not sin.
However, while this makes sense theoretically, there is a very practical reality to consider. Maybe most compelling are the inevitable thoughts that go along with this act. And while no Bible text deals with masturbation, per se, Jesus does have some pretty radical things to say about our thought-life.
“You have heard it said that you should not commit adultery. But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” — Matthew 5:27-28
What Jesus is saying here is that our “thoughts” are as important as our “actions.” The intention behind what we do or don’t do is as crucial as our actual actions.
Now, even if theoretically, masturbation isn’t a sin, think of all the thoughts that usually invade your mind during those moments. I would say that it is extremely rare that one engages in that action without some sort of impure thoughts about another person, whether you know them or don’t know them (in the case of most pornography). And these thoughts are IMPORTANT, because they affect our relationships with other people and how we see other people. Particularly for guys, this type of visualization reinforces “objectification” of women–seeing women as “objects” to possess rather than people to be honored and loved.
Couple that with the fact that masturbation is about selfish gratification (as opposed to sexual intercourse which when performed “in love” as intended is done as much for the other person as for you) and you at the very least have a less than beneficial activity.
So when it comes right down to it, I’m not sure I can make that judgment call for you. I don’t know what goes on in your head. Only you do. And I don’t know what God’s Spirit convicts you about.
But it might help as you think through this issue for yourself to be reminded that sin is not primarily a legal infraction. Sin is not like a speeding ticket. God isn’t necessarily keeping track of all your tickets and waiting for you to “pay-up.”
Instead, I believe sin is more like an infection. It is something that messes up your relationships with God and other people, like an infection messes up the way your body is supposed to work.
With this in mind, I don’t think God is going to kill you for it and you won’t be sent to hell for masturbating too much. However, it may warrant a bit of caution. Just because something may not be sin, doesn’t necessarily mean that it is good for you or for your relationships with other people. And if this issue causes problems between you and God or you and other people, you would be wise to listen to that prompting of the Spirit and choose differently.
Ok. Hope that helps.
By the way, for those counting at home, I said the word, “masturbation” nine times. Oops, make that ten.
So what does the bible teach us about dating? Very little. In fact, the Bible doesn’t really prescribe any particular way that people should date, court or be “arranged” for marriage.
This is a good question because many people start dating-from-afar. Sometimes the physical distance between people is over many states or countries. But, in another way, physical distance can be almost as far if you live in the same county but go to different schools and rarely see each other.
However, while there are some benefits (in theory) there are also some drawbacks. People living away from each other don’t have the opportunity to experience the other person in “real life.” There is only so much you can learn from phone calls and late-night text messages. Who a person is on the phone and who they are in everyday life with their family and friends may be very different.
Ok. Let’s see what we can make of this. It is a legitimate question; especially for someone at your phase of life. So, let me just say a few things.
As an example: when I go to buy a new vehicle, I like to drive around to many different dealership lots and see what is out there. And before I get too serious about any of them specifically I want to go on a “test-drive”. Now, when I tell the salesman that I’d like to drive it and see how it handles, I don’t also promise to be faithful to that car and only that car. I don’t promise to love it and care only for it. I just tell him I wanna try it out. If it drives well, than maybe we can pursue it further.
Now, I know people aren’t like cars. But, that actually strengthens my point. The boring biege Chevy Astro van isn’t going to be disappointed that in the end I choose the bright blue Toyota over it. (Btw, I would never drive an astro-van). But, people do get hurt. And we need to be careful about the commitments we make to people, especially at a young age when we aren’t ready to deliver on those large commitments anyway.
This question, like one we had a few weeks ago, isn’t about romantic love (well, at least I hope it isn’t! Maybe in Arkansas it is! ☺ But, as Austin said on Sunday night, one type of love found in the Bible is between family members. So, I would like to respond to this one anyway.
I love ranch-flavored sunflower seeds.
The problem with both of these terms is they need defined. When someone says, “love” what do you think of? Love of what? Sunflower seeds? iPhone? And if love is hard to define, than what about the phrase, “being in love.” That one seems to have taken on a whole lot of fuzziness. No one is quite sure what it means. In fact, most people might tell you that it can’t really be defined at all. It isn’t something you can describe; you can only feel it.
In essence, John says, “You wanna know what love is? Well, this is love. This is it right here. You know love because God, who is love, loved you. He defined love for you. But his definition can’t be found in a dictionary. Love isn’t made of words and feelings, but of actions. Love is a verb. And he demonstrated this action of love by not claiming his own rights and choosing to come and give up his own life for you, though you didn’t deserve it. In fact, before you even chose to love him.”
Think of it this way. How do you know when you are really going down a water-slide at Wildwaves? Well, I don’t know about you, but I know I’m going down the slide when I choose to do it and push off and head on down. In other words, I know my decision pretty quick. Either I’m yelling and screaming down a winding tube full of raging water or I’m not. (I just wonder how many kids have peed in the pool at the bottom!).
I mean, we make choices all day long and don’t question it. I don’t start eating my subway sandwich and think, “How do I know that I’m really eating lunch?” (Some philosphers might, Rene Descartes wanted to know how to know he really existed!) I know I’m eating lunch because I’ve decided it is noon and I’m hungry and that I’m going to eat now (which actually sounds like a good idea, cause all this food talk is making me hungry).
It is also worth mentioning because I think it is a huge part of the answer to this question. Sometimes I think we set ourselves up for huge failure because we take a very complicated issue—such as a relationship with a non-believer—and make it a total nuclear holocaust. When you buy into the myth that this is the only person out there for you, it makes this question almost unanswerable.
But, the issue becomes not do you feel extravagant feeling towards her, but are you ready to make a CHOICE to blend your life with hers for the rest of your life and operate as “one body.” You see, those feeling will eventually fade and then you will have decide if you are ready to play on a team that doesn’t have the same game-time philosophy that you do.
that as a dad, I am trying my best to love my daughter so well that when she grows up she doesn’t feel the need to find love in other, more difficult places. My prayer is that she grows up knowing that there is nothing she could ever do or say that would make Tania and I love her any less. That she would know God loves her the same way.
Let’s me start by saying that Paytyn will probably be your age one day and feel the same way. Of course, I hope that isn’t true, but chances are she won’t feel complete. Why? Well, not because we as her parents didn’t try, but because as I have stated before, no human being—whether romantic interest, good friend or even parent—can fulfill your greatest longings of love and acceptance.
You are like that house. Beneath your hair and make-up and clothes; beneath even your personality and passions is a framework. And that framework is designed to need relationship with God. And until you engage completely in what that framework was designed for (relationship with God), your house will always feel shaky and unsteady.
To my right is a younger couple (maybe 30’s). They look as if they haven’t seen each other in a while. She just came in and they got all “weepy” and started kissing. Now they are cuddle up in the comfy chairs staring deeply into each other’s eyes. They might need a private room. 🙂
our culture’s recipe for love is that there is just one “right person” out there for you and that when you find them they will be able to meet all of your needs 100% of the time. It is a myth that quietly whispers to us that we are incomplete without this one person who was created to fulfill our every need.
Maybe what is needed is to stop looking for the “right person” and focus on BECOMING the “right person”. A far bigger problem in relationships today is that too many of us aren’t really ready emotionally, spiritually, and mentally for a good relationship no matter who the other person is. We are looking for something that is missing in our lives. We are looking for someone to come and fill a hole in us emotionally or mentally. And our relationships are built on finding the “one right person” to fill this need, rather than built on finding ways to show sacrificial love to another person.
The problem with viewing love as an attempt to find the “right person” is that we get caught in the trap of thinking that our goals, dreams, hopes, etc. aren’t good enough and that we need someone else to come and complete them. Looking for the “right person” minimizes what God has already given us. We become willing to compromise what we want and feel called to, in order to find the one prize that will bring us ultimate happiness. And then we discover that the advertisement for the prize wasn’t totally accurate and it has let us down. But, by that point, we have given up so much.
I was watching the “Today Show” on TV a few weeks ago and I saw an interview with Jenny McCarthy (previously from MTV). She was talking about her relationship with Jim Carrey (they have been a couple for years now, but are opposed to marriage). Here is what she said about the suggestion that they get married eventually: “We’re living together… and we’re very happy – all that’s going to be is a piece of paper, really.”
Now, let’s think this through a bit. As I responded in “Question 2” of the last post, there is no thought of “pre-marital” sex in the Bible. In the Jewish culture, sex was either an act done in the relationship of an existing marriage, or was the basic form of solidifying a new one. So, if you weren’t married and happened to have sex with a beautiful girl you met at the grocery store, guess what? Now you are married! Sex, in the Bible, has very large social and spiritual responsibilities as well as individual ones.
1) Parents are some times wrong. I have a feeling probably even your parents would agree with this. Many times they may have something that they feel is very important for you to know, do, learn, or be a part of, but they make mistakes in how they push you towards it. Their motivation is good, but their execution is less than perfect.
So, today I am starting a bit of brief new direction in some of my blog entries. Our high school group is currently involved in a series called, “Love Connection” where we are looking at the amazing beauty of the romantic relationships God has created us to need and enjoy.
I think some people who are not involved in meaningful relationships are jealous of those that are. And although that jealousy might be very malicious, it doesn’t have to be. I think that some people look at the relationship of others and think, “I want what they’ve got.” They may not want to hurt anybody. They may simply just want to experience the goodness of that relationship. And maybe part of the thought process is that if they can somehow hijack that relationship that they will get to experience the same things. Sadly, I think it doesn’t usually work out this way. Relationships that start with deception in their beginning have built that deception into their DNA and trust and genuine love will have large hurdles to overcome.
In one of my favorite movies, “Wedding Crashers,” Owen Wilson’s character gives this definition of love; “Love is the soul’s recognition of it’s counter-part in another.” He is describing this idea of “soulmate”. And while I love that movie, I disagree with it’s definition of love.
In the book of Hosea, God tells his prophet, Hosea, to go and marry a prostitute. And so, strangely, he does. But, as you could imagine, the relationship doesn’t go so well. She is unfaithful; she cheats on him, and eventually leaves him. And so God then tells Hosea, “Go, show love to your wife again, though she is loved by another and is an adulteress.” And God’s reason for doing this? “Love her as the Lord loves his people.” – Hosea 3:1 (TNIV)
nickloyd.com 